How Do I Know If I Am Enabling My Loved One?

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HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM ENABLING MY LOVED ONE?

When a person you love is hurting themselves, your first thought is to help them. However, if they don’t change their behavior, their habits can cause severe harm or grave damage to themselves or others. So what can you do to help them instead of enabling their behavior?

wife enabling his husband to drink alcohol

Enabling Your Loved One

A person who enables their loved one is someone who allows their loved one’s acts of destruction to continue. However, many people, including you, may not understand they are enabling a loved one. Often, you think you are helping your loved one.

Patterns of enabling occur most often when a loved one has a substance use disorder. Harmful patterns can also occur within relationships where dangerous behaviors exist and are unintentionally supported. When you inadvertently enable your loved one, you should remember that you’re not doing it because you agree with their substance addiction. Your instinct to help or protect them from further harm is natural.

Over time enabling acts to cause more damage to your loved one and those around them. Why? When a person has someone protecting them, giving them money, or making excuses for their behavior, it’s hard for your loved one to recognize their behavior and change. So essentially, your effort to help can backfire.

When you enable your loved one, you unwittingly allow your loved one to remain in a harmful behavior pattern. Sometimes, your loved one will become stubborn and refuse to change.

Signs You May Be an Enabler

While you intend to help your loved ones, you may hurt them or play the role of the enabler in your family. If you aren’t sure if you are helping or enabling, a few characteristics of those who allow others to continue destructive behavior are:

  • You avoid conflict to keep everyone happy
  • You deny the seriousness of your loved one’s addiction
  • You keep your emotions inside of yourself
  • You hope the problem will go away or improve on its own
  • You talk down to, blame, or lecture your loved one
  • You take on your loved one’s responsibilities
  • You repeatedly fix problems or protect your loved one from pain
  • You financially support your loved one
  • You try to control the behaviors, actions, or responses of your loved one

Do you see yourself in any of these characteristics? It’s okay if you do recognize one or more traits. Your goal was to help. In close relationships, especially familial relationships, the role of an enabler is common.

The Role of an Enabler

Family plays an integral part in the life of a person with a substance use disorder. One of the roles is an enabler. Ask yourself how you cope with your loved one’s substance addiction. Those who enable their loved ones find themselves denying a problem while actively fixing things around their loved ones.

Enabling is common. If you didn’t care about your loved ones, you wouldn’t try to step in and protect them. Instead, you want to learn why your loved one acts the way they are, so you make excuses on their behalf while also trying to understand their behaviors. The downside of buffering them from consequences is you can encourage your loved one to remain in denial. Maybe you continue to try helping your loved one because you’re afraid that if you challenge their behavior, you may lose their love or friendship.

The fear of losing a friendship or the love of someone can drive you to do whatever it takes to preserve the bond you share. Don’t be hard on yourself for doing what you thought would help. Instead, let’s look at the differences between being an enabler and a helper.

Enabler Versus Helper

To understand how you can help your loved one, you can flip how you interact with your loved ones. A few modifications can make a significant difference in your life and your loved one’s life. But, first, let’s examine the behaviors of an enabler versus those of a helper.

How do you discuss a problem? When a problem occurs, do you prefer to ignore or avoid talking about the issue? A helper will calmly, without judgment, discuss the situation or destructive behavior.

How do you deal with the consequences of your loved one’s behavior? If your first instinct is to minimize or soften a harmful act, try instead to acknowledge the behavior and follow through with a consequence.

How do you handle the responsibility? When your loved one behaves negatively and causes harm, what do you do? For example, let’s say your loved one shows up at a family gathering when they are using a substance. While they are there, they disrupt the gathering in one way or another. You can help them when you don’t excuse their behavior, but you make them take responsibility for their actions.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself?

Being in a relationship with a person with a substance use disorder is challenging. You want to help them but may unwittingly enable their behavior. Also, while you are trying to care for your loved one, you can lose sight of your well-being.

Help yourself by seeking individual or group therapy. Talking with others about what you are going through is essential. When you share what you are going through in a group, you can learn from others by accepting their feedback. Like you, they are trying to help a loved one. Some may know how to rethink addressing issues with your loved one. The guidance of group members is invaluable.

Individual therapy is also a healthy way to cope with your emotional health. Your therapist can discuss how you can approach your role in the relationship. They can guide you through feelings of guilt, shame, or anger. Throughout your sessions, you can also learn healthy coping skills. To help others, you must take care of yourself.

A person with a substance use disorder can mistake the enabling of their behaviors to sign that their substance use isn’t that bad. When you decide to help a loved one, you chose to take on a challenging role. When you are ready to seek assistance, whether it is finding the resources you need to encourage your loved one to enter a substance addiction treatment program or support your own well-being, Sabino Recovery can help. We encourage you to talk with us to learn how to help your loved one and what resources are available in your community. Call (844) 227-7014.

How Do I Know If I Am Enabling My Loved One?

Feb 17, 2023

Mental Health

Shara Turner, LPC, MSC, NCC, NARM

HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM ENABLING MY LOVED ONE?

When a person you love is hurting themselves, your first thought is to help them. However, if they don’t change their behavior, their habits can cause severe harm or grave damage to themselves or others. So what can you do to help them instead of enabling their behavior?

wife enabling his husband to drink alcohol

Enabling Your Loved One

A person who enables their loved one is someone who allows their loved one’s acts of destruction to continue. However, many people, including you, may not understand they are enabling a loved one. Often, you think you are helping your loved one.

Patterns of enabling occur most often when a loved one has a substance use disorder. Harmful patterns can also occur within relationships where dangerous behaviors exist and are unintentionally supported. When you inadvertently enable your loved one, you should remember that you’re not doing it because you agree with their substance addiction. Your instinct to help or protect them from further harm is natural.

Over time enabling acts to cause more damage to your loved one and those around them. Why? When a person has someone protecting them, giving them money, or making excuses for their behavior, it’s hard for your loved one to recognize their behavior and change. So essentially, your effort to help can backfire.

When you enable your loved one, you unwittingly allow your loved one to remain in a harmful behavior pattern. Sometimes, your loved one will become stubborn and refuse to change.

Signs You May Be an Enabler

While you intend to help your loved ones, you may hurt them or play the role of the enabler in your family. If you aren’t sure if you are helping or enabling, a few characteristics of those who allow others to continue destructive behavior are:

  • You avoid conflict to keep everyone happy

  • You deny the seriousness of your loved one’s addiction

  • You keep your emotions inside of yourself

  • You hope the problem will go away or improve on its own

  • You talk down to, blame, or lecture your loved one

  • You take on your loved one’s responsibilities

  • You repeatedly fix problems or protect your loved one from pain

  • You financially support your loved one

  • You try to control the behaviors, actions, or responses of your loved one

Do you see yourself in any of these characteristics? It’s okay if you do recognize one or more traits. Your goal was to help. In close relationships, especially familial relationships, the role of an enabler is common.

The Role of an Enabler

Family plays an integral part in the life of a person with a substance use disorder. One of the roles is an enabler. Ask yourself how you cope with your loved one’s substance addiction. Those who enable their loved ones find themselves denying a problem while actively fixing things around their loved ones.

Enabling is common. If you didn’t care about your loved ones, you wouldn’t try to step in and protect them. Instead, you want to learn why your loved one acts the way they are, so you make excuses on their behalf while also trying to understand their behaviors. The downside of buffering them from consequences is you can encourage your loved one to remain in denial. Maybe you continue to try helping your loved one because you’re afraid that if you challenge their behavior, you may lose their love or friendship.

The fear of losing a friendship or the love of someone can drive you to do whatever it takes to preserve the bond you share. Don’t be hard on yourself for doing what you thought would help. Instead, let’s look at the differences between being an enabler and a helper.

Enabler Versus Helper

To understand how you can help your loved one, you can flip how you interact with your loved ones. A few modifications can make a significant difference in your life and your loved one’s life. But, first, let’s examine the behaviors of an enabler versus those of a helper.

How do you discuss a problem? When a problem occurs, do you prefer to ignore or avoid talking about the issue? A helper will calmly, without judgment, discuss the situation or destructive behavior.

How do you deal with the consequences of your loved one’s behavior? If your first instinct is to minimize or soften a harmful act, try instead to acknowledge the behavior and follow through with a consequence.

How do you handle the responsibility? When your loved one behaves negatively and causes harm, what do you do? For example, let’s say your loved one shows up at a family gathering when they are using a substance. While they are there, they disrupt the gathering in one way or another. You can help them when you don’t excuse their behavior, but you make them take responsibility for their actions.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself?

Being in a relationship with a person with a substance use disorder is challenging. You want to help them but may unwittingly enable their behavior. Also, while you are trying to care for your loved one, you can lose sight of your well-being.

Help yourself by seeking individual or group therapy. Talking with others about what you are going through is essential. When you share what you are going through in a group, you can learn from others by accepting their feedback. Like you, they are trying to help a loved one. Some may know how to rethink addressing issues with your loved one. The guidance of group members is invaluable.

Individual therapy is also a healthy way to cope with your emotional health. Your therapist can discuss how you can approach your role in the relationship. They can guide you through feelings of guilt, shame, or anger. Throughout your sessions, you can also learn healthy coping skills. To help others, you must take care of yourself.

A person with a substance use disorder can mistake the enabling of their behaviors to sign that their substance use isn’t that bad. When you decide to help a loved one, you chose to take on a challenging role. When you are ready to seek assistance, whether it is finding the resources you need to encourage your loved one to enter a substance addiction treatment program or support your own well-being, Sabino Recovery can help. We encourage you to talk with us to learn how to help your loved one and what resources are available in your community. Call (844) 227-7014.

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